Bookless Libraries

Some...okay well, part of one....of my works has been published recently on a website that, as I understand it, intends to become a magazine. I was the first person that the editor contacted which made me feel special up until I started reading all the other works that he was starting to compile and well...now I feel kinda sad and lonely and vastly under-talented in comparison with the others...

The site is called Site Unseen and it's unique, certainly. More than anything I've started looking into the blog that the editor has included and I'm learning things from it. But this morning my hackles rose just a little when I read yet another article about an encroaching storm known as paperless technology.

http://unseenfiction.com/2013/01/18/bookless-library-a-reality/#respond

The above link will take you to the specific article. I encourage you to read it first before getting to my commentary below. And from the above page you can of course explore the other authors that have been featured on the site and hey...! If it makes it to the stands, buy the magazine!

Here is the response that I started typing in the 'Leave A Comment' section, before I realized that my comment was more than three paragraphs.

First I am a librarian. We see a standard collection of people day in and day out.

When I look at that photo of the prospective lay out for a 'bookless library' I cringe. What I see, in between the pretty pixels of that image, is a collection of the worst of what we get in the library every day. And I do stress that this is the 'worst', and not necessarily, the 'only' patronage we get.

The first thing I see is a row of teenagers navigating around any excuse for security on the computers and finding illegal download sites for games, music and pornography, and anything else they can take advantage of thanks to the free Internet that most modern libraries now provide.

Off in another corner, where they are alone only by virtue of no one else daring to be near them is the massive swelling, seething beast known as the homeless and chronically unbathed.

Children, men, women, teenagers, older persons. All of them with their own weird, and sometimes lethal, quirks, all of them with their own foul and oft 'turpentine' strength stench, spending four to eight hours of their day watching YouTube videos, posting funny stories on Facebook and updating their blogs. And none of them, and I say this from experience, not one of them actually using the Internet to search for a job.

Yes there are those that come in and use the computers briefly to print, because they haven't got printing capability at home. There are some regulars that use the computers for writing projects, research, or some of the many historical or educational resources that they have free memberships to thanks to their library patronage.

But the the main, and ultimate, attraction of computers in a library today is free Internet.

We only have eight computers. We're a small town library. Imagine how much worse it gets in bigger towns, cities! Megacities!

I never do see the homeless people in the stacks. Rarely do they actually take a book off the shelf and open it up. The chairs we have stationed around are rarely ever used because there is nothing effortlessly entertaining sitting in front of them. If they are used it is by the homeless so that they can catch a quick nap.

The only person who does move from the computers to the stacks and back again is so blind that he has to hold the book less than a few inches away from his nose in order to read.

No human being could stand to be that close, and the computer screen is wiped down every day thanks to our certainty that he is the main source of colds and flues in our place.

Maybe I sound a little harsh but when your everyday health expectation lies in the hands of people who can't be bothered to bathe, blow their nose, or cover their mouth, and especially when you know that people who never set foot in the library when they are healthy, are guaranteed to come out to grab materials if they know they will be home sick for several days, you quickly lose appreciation for them.

So now they want to put these disease ridden, smelly, loud, rude, self-entitled and self-centered people into a tiny building with row after row of super close stools with nothing but germ-collecting surfaces between them!? And they say this is our bright and shiny future!?

We're not even touching on the population that is sixty and over. Many of whom don't have an e-mail address because they are so afraid that if they turn on their computer it will immediately be attacked by viruses and identity thieves and they won't be able to protect themselves from the big scary Internet!

Most of this age group will come in hoping to pay a bill online armed with nothing but their bank debit card and a stack of scrap paper, with wavering scribbles covering them. These 'notes' that they've taken are ultimately useless because the person who helped them the first time, usually a grand child, didn't bother to explain what they were doing, or teach their grand parent how to do it themselves. They just did it.

I have met fifty year olds that don't know what a mouse is for, forty year olds that don't know how to 'hunt and type'. Thirty year olds that can't spell 'Google'. Twenty-somethings that have to ask for my help because they can't find their e-mail. I.E. "I typed yahoo into the thing and I got here!"

Here turns out to be a Google search for the word 'yahooooo'.


And these are not people that I would have placed in the learning disabled category. These are people that work for a living in a small but real world where computers just don't exist beyond a cash register and a hand scanner.

Granted I live in farming country, but even I am shocked at how technology has disappeared for some Americans.

So, bookless libraries. Please...give me a break. Those aren't libraries, those are Internet cafes. Only the sign says 'no food and drink', instead of 'come in and have a coffee'.

By the way, whatever the sign says, they will still bring in picnic lunches.

Bad Ideas and NaNoWriMo

I think I've taken a full departure from the original purpose of this blog. In fact my reenacting career may be taking a semi-permanent back seat depending on what happens with my unit following Gettysburg next year.

In the meantime I've rediscovered a way to get back into the theatre world, which is something that I've missed since my former theatre group came to a close last May, after fourteen years of performances. I also just scored a singing gig with a Jazz/Swing/Funk band and while I was mind-blowingly nervous before I sang, I did enjoy every moment of it.

For the first time ever I had someone explain to me the meaning of NaNoWriMo and I kinda sorta took up the challenge, writing lots and lots of words. Unfortunately the words took the form of about three different stories, all of them fan fiction.

But I had fun, and I challenged myself to complete some things.

I have also received my Christmas gift early this year. I now have a lovely digital video camera to call my very own and have been making little, mildly comedic videos with it. I have in the past been able to create through the art of stories, songs, plays, paintings, crafts and now, HA HA, I have it all! Follow that with the maniacal laughter of the moderately insane and you have the perfect opener to one of the videos that I have been dying to shoot.

I went for a walk last night. It was dark and cold and as I started out I noticed all of the houses that already had lights up for Christmas. I came up with a great idea for a gift for a wonderful lady in my life. Later in the walk I was heading by the solitary laundromat in town. It, the town grocery and a pizza parlor were the only businesses still open at 8:30 pm. I watched clothes tumbling in the dryers as I approached and noticed a man and woman seated at a table inside the laundromat eating dinner.

Immediately I wished I had brought my camera with me, and wished I had a camera man. I could imagine myself dressing up a bit and barging into the laundromat.

"Hello, I'm Diane." I would introduce myself, shake hands then tell them. "Right now you're on camera. That fellow there is recording you. You have the right to decide whether or not this video is used in any formal capacity but before you do, what is your relationship?"

And just launch into this impromptu interview. Ask questions, get a tableau of exactly what was happening in the laundromat before I went in. Then, as an added twist, just to get a reaction say something like.

"Thank you very much for your time. I would like to tell you that as we speak there are men ransacking your home. They are a part of our crew and we were sent as a distraction to keep you all occupied while they did that. You can call 911 if you like, but of course you may regret it should this be a prank."

And leave...

And see what they do.

Breaking the fourth wall, breaking the barrier of believability. And starting with something good (fifteen minutes of fame?) and turning it into something very bad (btw, while you're gabbing excitedly with what may be your fifteen minutes of fame, your house had been broken into!)

This morning I went for breakfast, listened to a pair of elderly ladies tell a passing elderly gentleman all about a mutual friend. "Hey did you hear about, Shirley!? Oh yes, she broke her hip the poor thing. She fell off the treadmill and just broke it like that."

Then I went to Kroger's to waste time while my tires were rotated. Standing in line at the Starbucks, while a Kroger customer insisted on buying her milk and magazines at the Starbucks kiosk along with her Chai Latte, I heard a woman say, "I swear by my right hand to God, I will get those to you!"

I felt like turning towards her, with a camera planted somewhere back in the veggie department.

"Pardon me, Ma'am. I couldn't help but overhear what you said. I was wondering are you swearing by your right hand, or by God? Which is of more value to you? Where did you first hear that phrase and did you really mean it? If you had to lose one or the other which would you rather have, seperation from your right hand or from God?"  Maybe part of the point is that I have problems with people who blurt the first quaint phrase they think of whenever they're surprised, and I certainly take umbrage at people swearing to God about trivial things.

But more than anything else, the woman was speaking loudly and I'm sure, was very aware that what she was saying was being broadcasted to all the other people in line. If she's intentionally putting it out there for us to hear, why not draw more attention to it.

After I get her to answer I'll point out that there's a camera back there, just to the right of the tomatoes, and was there anything else she'd like to say to her audience, or swear to...or by.

I got my Mocha and traveled the store, observing people and pondering my idea.

Since I didn't have my camera with me I can blame the missed opportunity on lack of equipment instead of lack of guts. But I can't help but wonder. How many more people are going to start thinking about what they say, or about how visible they are when they think they are alone, if I were to start doing that?

Or would it just amount to me being precocious and annoying.

Dunno.

Due to the ease of access I've decided to start some fiction stories on blogs. That means I can work on them during my down times at the library and while I'm at home.

I've never really gotten the hang of novel writing. If I have any talent at all I think it lies in relating my own life experiences, but...fiction is fun from time to time. And who knows, maybe I can fake it well enough to fool someone into publishing me.

So I have postapocthesaga.blogspot.com started up. I'm fairly certain that the title is mispelled on the blog. But if you have time to waste feel free to check it out.

Cheers
Wyatt

Another Snippet - Never Forgotten

(I've decided I'll try it again. Another snippet.)

Leaves crunched under my feet, along with the occasional snapping twig. The swish, swish of cloth against twigs and branches and dead briers easily announced my course of travel. Filtered by towering trunks of trees I could see the sunset coloring the sky before me. Light purple, lilac, a tiny hint of blue then fuchsia and pink closer to the horizon.

I stepped over a fallen log carefully. The thick skirts I wore, even without the hoop, proved challenging when trying to evade some obstacles and I was keeping my eye on the sloshing liquid in the tin cup I carried. It was hot and I had already burned myself once that day. Beyond the log I stepped around the remainder of a stump and looked up to the only other figure standing in the wood with me. My older brother was stone still, his dark hair slicked back under the stained, gray forage cap. His butternut colored jean wool frock coat and trousers turned a muddy brown by the red of the sun. He was looking at something, his own cup of coffee almost forgotten in his hand.

I stepped up quietly beside him, pulled my tin cup to my lips and let the steaming vapors wash over my frozen cheeks. It was only September but it was already cold, and the night promised to be colder. I didn't mind. I loved this time of year. When the heat of the summer began to shift, a bite visited the wind like a long unseen cousin.

I watched the sun for a moment then shifted my gaze to my brother's whiskered, but no longer whimsical face. Beneath his gaze lay the remainder of an artillery piece. It was small, the sort that could be used by men only, moved and aimed by muscle alone. There were no horse bones nearby, nor any hasty graves indicating that they had been buried. Only the piece remained.

What had once been gleaming black was now starting to fade and green with time. One wheel was flush against the ground and nearly grown over by vines and wild strawberries. It was fall but I could still see the drying tendrils. The rocky ground tilted the barrel so that it leaned heavily and I could see that it teetered dangerously, held in place only by the joists still connecting it to the other wheel that had been wedged between a rock and a hard place, forced at a slant, frozen in time, attentive but wounded.

In a way my brother was precisely that as well. He had been wounded in the war of course, many times. And each wound brought him more sorrows, more pains, and strangely, in the way of all wars, more responsibility.

When the war ended he had returned to our home. Mother had expected that he would marry, perhaps the red headed girl that he had been writing to when he first left for the fighting, but he had refused to see anyone. He worked in the wood shop or in the fields, he built himself a small shack on a parcel of land that he bought from father.

I visited him there often, whether or not I was invited, so close in age were he and I. When a year had passed and he received a letter from some of his fellow soldiers describing what remained of the old battlefields he determined that he had to return. It took some convincing to assure him that I was going as well.

There was concern for his safety and for mine. A soldier of the former confederacy might not be welcome near the place where Union died, even if as many or more Rebels died in precisely the same spot.

In this moment however our concern seemed fruitless. My brother remembered the hillside for its strategic value. He remembered fighting desperately to gain and then hold the position near where this dilapidated gun had fallen. He remembered hundreds of thousands of men crossing this ground over and over from both sides. And yet a year later it was deserted. Silent.

"Out there..." He said quietly, then lifted his arm to point beyond where the thick tree line ended. There was a small cabin nestled against large boulders, a wisp of smoke rising from it's mud and wood chimney. "That cabin wasn't here then. It was a pasture for sheep there. But the rancher must have moved them long before we arrived."

A vague look that might have been amusement crossed his features, ending with a barely perceptible wince. "The men kept slipping on the dung."

I smiled slightly, knowing a blush had colored my cheeks, sipping cautiously from my cup to cover my reaction.

My brother took a deep breath and swallowed...and the dampness about his eyes could have only been the cold, or something else. He finally seemed to notice the brew in his hand and he sipped from his cup before he pointed to his left. What I had taken for logs or stones suddenly sprang into being as other dead carcasses of weapons. Only bits and pieces but enough for me to envision what might have once been a battery, lined up, defending its fellow troops.

"All along that line," He said. "Shelling one right after the other...keeping the field clear for the boys.  It was bad enough getting the guns to this spot...we knew the enemy couldn't get them up there."

Far off, near where the sun was sliding out of sight were the beginnings of foothills. I could not imagine the distance, nor that the gun before me could possibly reach it. Or that there were enough men in the world to fill that field. The noise, the crush of so many boys...men desperately fighting for their lives...or their country...to defend themselves or their families.

Tears sprang to my own eyes as I stared at this empty place, hating it now. It seemed to have forgotten. The rocks and the dirt and the sun seemed not to care at all about the sacrifices made under their vigil.

I knew the questions that so many had asked as the war continued on. Was it worth it? Was it all just a waste? Could we truly win our independence? Was it about the slaves the way the northerners said? Would they be free when the Confederacy became a nation? Where the fighting men, black and white, throwing their lives away for nothing?

And when the papers came and we saw the pictures of all the generals in their shiny uniforms, and saw that the war we had waged had been lost...how many more of those questions came? We saw the pictures of cities burning, left wasted in the path of Sherman and his armies. Heard the rumors of other atrocities acted on civilians, or on our men in prison camps.

But nothing in a paper or in the quivering voice of a mother or wife affected me as much as this vast, empty, cold place.

"I'm glad it's here." I said, my voice shaking with anger, sadness and something else. Something determined. "It should always be here. Protected. So that no one will forget. So that no one sees this place as just another...parcel of land to be bought or sold with money."

Tears ran down my cheeks, burning hot channels through the cold numbness.

"Because it was once purchased with blood and it belongs to those men that paid for it with their lives. That should never be forgotten."

A Snippet - The Boat

(The walls of my room are covered with stuff. Most of it is fairly stationary but over my bed I have tacked, taped and stapled pictures from magazines, my own works of art and a handful of important photos. When I'm having a rough day I go to my room, stretch out on my bed and stare at these photos, most of which involve some form of water.

Tonight I felt the need to write something and noticed a painting right above my head. I decided to write based on what I saw, felt and heard, when looking at that painting. Below is the snippet that resulted.)

The sounds of the waves were gentle, hesitant as they brushed occasionally against the rocky shore. The sky was gray and overcast and there was the slightest of breezes. There was tension in the air but it was subdued. As if something terrible had happened and the world needed to be still, needed to wait for a bit before it was sure it could recover. The thick nylon line leading from the small boat wasn’t really necessary to keep the craft at the shore. The flat, smooth stones didn’t shift the way sand would. Without a hearty push the wooden row boat wasn’t going to go anywhere. The surface of the water was still enough to offer an almost perfect reflection of the boat. It barely rocked or moved. It was still, as if the panorama was only a painting. Beside the larger row boat, there was a smaller boat. A toy, tied to the brackets that should have been holding oars, floating peacefully beside it’s much larger brother, gamely lifting it’s little white sail toward the sky.

A child had tied it there. A small boy with golden yellow hair, bare footed in his overalls and warm flannel shirt. When he had come out to the water’s edge to play it had probably been sunny, warm enough for him not to notice the chill of the stones against his bare skin. Warm enough that he could ignore the small bit of water collecting in the bottom of the boat, that had quickly soaked the bottom part of his pants. It was too much fun to watch his little skow cut through the water, to crash it into the side of the bigger craft and imagine an entirely different world from the one he was forced to live in.

Maybe if Mom and Dad hadn’t been in the middle of another fight they would have noticed that their son had not only gone out to play as he had been told, but he had escaped the sand box he usually occupied and made a dash for the lake. Perhaps if Dad hadn’t lost control of his temper, yet again, and thrown the vase at Mom, she might have noticed how long her boy had been gone and run from the house to find him.

If Dad hadn’t stormed out of the house. If Mom hadn’t bent to pick up the shards of glass, her makeup running with her tears, and sliced her hand badly. If she hadn’t called Grandmother on the phone. If Grandmother hadn’t already been on her way.

When the coroner arrived on the scene he couldn’t immediately tell whether it was the cold that caused the boy to drown, or if he’d hit his head on the rocky bottom when he tumbled out of the beached rowboat. There was no blood to speak of but little boy’s heads are made of far softer things than adult's. Even the slightest bump could cause problems with a child. And Mom had been screaming that the boy couldn’t swim from the moment she found the still toddler.

There were words flying around. Neglect, murder, tragedy, fault, blame. Words that meant nothing whatsoever to the little boy. The crime scene people quickly determined that the toy boat wasn’t paramount to the investigation and Mom was clutching it as she knelt before the blanket wrapped figure on the gurney. There was a helicopter overhead that she ignored. The backyard of the country cottage ended at the lake, preventing most of the press from finding a way past the police line, but it wouldn’t take long before they rented or stole boats to get close enough for a photograph.

Grandmother stood away from it all cold and immovable. She did not comfort her daughter, nor did she kneel to mourn the loss of her grandchild. She’d seen it all coming. She’d known that one day or other this would be the result. She had no reason to regret, or to blame, only to agree with the still silent natural world around her that the world needed to take a breath. To pull back and examine with unnatural stillness, what had occurred. And perhaps…maybe…it would never happen again.

(Apologies to the artist. The magazine was old and I never thought to keep the blurb that explained who painted what.)

A Librarian Moment

I had intended that this blog be reserved for pure CW reenacting tales but at the moment I haven't really got any. In the mean time I've run into an surprisingly potent irritation at work. You see...some of the ladies that work in the processing/finance/inner bowels part of the library decided to have a few impromptu words with me the other morning and I've been put off by it since. Here's what my imaginary therapeutic session has done for me.

Bear in mind that I work at the main branch of a small county library.

The stage is set. I'm head librarian for a day and my crew is most of the girls that work in the basement.  Most of the time they can be found sitting at their fun little desks, taking one or two ice cream breaks, five or ten smoke breaks, one or three lunch breaks. But...these beeches is mine today.



I walk into the arena and inform them that at least one of them is page for the day so she should immediately go out and start properly shelving and organizing four to five carts of books. At first she looks smug thinking, 'Alphabetizing...ha! I can do this in my sleep. And I know the Dewey decimal system better than my husband’s backside!’



I grin ever so slightly then flatly continue. “And after you finish those five carts you have all those to do…” I point back behind the circulation desk to the shelves that are loaded with books. Not only is every shelf filled end to end, but in some places the books have been shoved to the back of the shelf and a second row has been added. “…tonight.” I finish.



The poor dear has more than enough to do but I tell her she has other duties. Like giving children’s floor a break at seven, locking up the basement at eight and being ready to clean up the various areas on the main floor at eight thirty.



She marches off sullen and resigned to a lonely, mind numbing task and I point to the others around me. “As soon as she brings back a cart someone should be back there checking in and loading up another cart. In the interim there needs to be at least two people behind the circulation desk at all times. You need to put away the Audio/Visual items whenever you can and you will all be asked to put away at least one cart tonight because slave-ah…I mean Librarian…T-trainee #1 will need all the help she can get.”



Never mind that you may or may not be familiar with the computer system, or the main floor itself.

Just wait for the first homeless person to come in. And you must respond to their needs. If they decide to lean over the counter and breathe into your face while they tell you interesting facts about the new wonder-nut they just heard about on their portable radio, you are not allowed to make faces, or comments.



When the woman with three screaming children insists on keeping her kids on the main floor while she uses a library laptop to check her Facebook status, you are not allowed to shout at her that she should take her kids up stairs, or corral the little brats into the bathroom and lock them there. You must treat her like the freedom loving American that she is and do your best to placate the other annoyed patrons.



Suppose someone comes in, having had the world’s worst day and they ask for an item that they claim is being reserved for them and it’s not there. And they throw a fit. Then you have to inform them that not only is their item not their but they are not there. As in…in the system.



“Well I have things I’m going to be checking out. And I’ve been waiting for the 54th season of Snoggles United for fifteen  !@#$% weeks!”



You try to say, “Sir, I’m fairly certain that Snoggles United  doesn’t actually exist and that’s why your Inter-Library Loan request was not only ignored but I also see someone wrote ‘LoL – You’ve got to be fu-‘”



But Mr. I’ve-Had-A-Bad-Day-and-Can’t-Think-Past-It isn’t going to stand by. Not only has the library failed him in his time of dire need, but now they are mocking his intelligence. So he fumes and snarls and says horrible things then stomps out leaving you bewildered and on the point of tears. But right behind him are fifteen other patrons, twelve of whom insist on conversing at the top of their lungs and standing in the way of the people that are clearly in a major hurry.



And you have to be polite, patient and calm….with all of them…right now.



Then there’s a lull. And in that lull you have to hurriedly check, scan in and lock, organize and put away every item that has collected in the drops or on the counter top before the next rush comes through. If you miss an item, or don’t scan it in, or don’t lock it, or put it on the wrong shelf in the back it will come back to haunt you.



The lull ends…far too soon. Another group comes in, you’re shaking because you haven’t eaten anything since you left home and it’s been three hours of flow and ebb and no time for food. You’re still emotionally spent from the reaming you didn’t deserve by Mr. Nasty-pants and just as you go to help the first in a line of aged patrons you can barely hear, the computer terminal freezes. And it’s the kind of freeze that can only be fixed by shutting the whole thing down and turning the whole thing back on.



And since these computers were brand new about when mobile phones started to become popular it’s going to take a few minutes. Now there’s only one computer at the front of the desk, one in the middle at a separate kiosk with no locking magnet and OH BY THE WAY…the computer in the back is on the fritz…again…so now everyone back there making carts, sorting stuff, etc. has to use the computers at the front to do it.



Another lull. Then she comes in. Tall, gangly, walking with a rolling limp, her hair in tufts sticking out every side and she’s never known a quiet day in her life. It’s not her fault really, she’s probably autistic. She always wants to get on a ‘compooter’. She always wants help. Your skin crawls and you try to look busy every time you hear her shout, “Scuuuse me…Kin you haalp me.”

She always comes in to search the net for a stay at home job that doesn’t require her to send in money first. You don’t know how many times you’ve told this woman that it’s not going to happen but she doesn’t care. It’s what she wants, and she comes to the library because she doesn’t have a car and can’t walk all the way across town to get to the business set up precisely for the sake of helping people like her.


So she sits down, finds some websites, starts loud conversations on her phone flourishing with profanity.

And of course, ten to one, you'll be the librarian that has to go over and help because every other co-worker has had the same exact reaction as you.

But the patron saint of librarians will bless you ten fold if can help her with loving kindness in your heart.

Meanwhile you’ve got another impatient customer who doesn’t appreciate the joke you tried to tell because you’re losing your sanity and right now a slightly bent sense of humor is the only thing keeping you together, but she’s in a dang hurry so she can get home and enjoy the final season of Dexter that she tried to borrow from the library but couldn’t watch because it’s scratched.



“And why is it you can’t just clean it now. The machine is right there. What’s the reason? Oh…no poli-cool? Really…why don’t you order some?”



“Not my department,” say you. And it’s not, but that doesn’t make sense to Mrs. Everyone-around-me-is-inept-just-like-my-husband-says.



Then….then!!!! Someone comes in and says, “I need a library card.”



What you would love to be allowed to say is, “I need to see a background check, credit check and if you wouldn’t mind stepping through this metal detector here….Or would you rather submit to a pat down?”



But what you actually say, with some manner of hopeful trust in mankind, is, “Sure thing, I’ll need to see a driver’s license with current address please.”



“Oh well I don’t have it with me, but, can I show you my Kroger card instead?” She asks.



“No, Miss. I really need to see a state ID.”



“Well..it’s out in my car and I just wanted to get a library card…” She says, showing you with her soulful eyes just how painful it will be to trot out to her car.



How many ways can person politely say the same thing before it becomes rude?

So instead, you cleverly lean in and wince right along with her. Feeling her pain. “I know it’s a little inconvenient but it really is necessary for us to have your information on file.”



She sees the wince, gets the idea that your conspiratorial inward cant means that you’re letting her get away with something and happily trots out to get her ID.



When she comes back she mentions that it’s not her current address on the ID, and no she doesn’t have any mail on her. No bills indicating her current address.



“You can check out today but we’ll mail you your card, and you will have to bring it in next time.”



For all she cares you could be telling her you need to hold her first born as collateral…so long as she can check out that movie she’s hoping you have. Or those shiny new video games there on the wall kiosk.

 (Oh yes. The video games...that do next to nothing when it comes to educating the populace, but some brainiac figured they would be uber popular and are definitely reason enough to spend several thousand dollars purchasing...not to mention the time it takes to enter them into the system, and the money you spent on the special carousels that hold the discs. Carousels that are placed at the very back of the room adding another fifteen-to-twenty seconds to the amount of time it takes to check a single patron out. )

She fills out the paper work and you get into the computer system and look her up and you are, gosh….not at all shocked to see her name there in the system.



Brightly you say, “Well looks like you used to have a card with us.” And you know full well there is likely to be a massive fine attached with it. But boy doesn’t she look hopeful, and completely innocent. And you can see the ‘liar liar’ gears starting to churn in her brain, prepared to deny deny deny.



You open up her status and lo and behold there’s several dozen books missing, and all the replacement fees have been sitting on her dormant account since she moved away. She’s got several hundred dollars that she’s got to pay.



First she’s shocked, then she’s outraged, and even after you print off a copy of her account (which costs money, which she isn’t going to pay for) she can’t believe that she is still expected to pay those fees. And surely that book can’t possibly cost fifty bucks.  And I never checked these items out.



And her grandmother died, her dog was accidently burned at the puppy sa-lon, and she lost three nails just the other day and can’t you just cut her some god-forsaken slack!?



Bravely, firmly, you say, “No.” Because you are aware, if no one else in the town is, that the library does not in fact have its own money tree growing out back.



She pulls out her credit card and hands it to you while looking away…hardly believing that she must stoop so low as to be charged for using the FREE public library.



“We don’t accept credit cards, I’m sorry, Miss.”



More shock, more indignation.



So you do the lean again…and you tell her the deal. “If you just bring those items back, or replace them (which you can do pretty cheap on Amazon), we’ll let the fines slide.”



Because really once the item is replaced, what does $1.90 in fines per book do for the library? Especially when it no longer needs to shell out several hundred to have the things replaced. (Which in this case they probably weren't going to replace anyway..)



Well she thinks you’ve just saved her life, or at least saved her dog’s life, and maybe she can replace a few nails with the money she’s saving.



Out she trots, happy as a pearly clam.



She’s happy, you’re happy, the library hasn’t fallen down, and one less person has yelled at you today for things that were out of your hands from the beginning.



Now is when I pull my librarian intern to the side with a friendly hand on her shoulder. And I say to her,

“Imagine you get to have lunch now…and you go down into the lunch room hoping that it’s empty so you can have a small part of your day be void of human noise. But…no no. All the people that work downstairs are there, leisurely reclined about the table enjoying lunch…hot lunches. That they’ve obviously had time to warm. So you sit, with your cold PB and J and glass of ice water, and you listen to the chatter and are fairly ignored up until one of them notices you…and starts talking about how you all keep waiving fines. And the more they talk the more they indicate that everything you do up stairs is in-ept and is essentially the reason the library is bleeding money.”



Then I pat her on the back as I pull away and head for the counter, back into the fray. Let her sort it all out on her own the way I did.


I would LOVE to hand a copy of this out to all the ladies I shared lunch with. Not looking for a win here...just a little understanding.

Sincerely,

The Librarian

Gettysburg

Gettysburg was the beginning and the end of a number of things. For example, I was looking forward to beginning school again in February, and ending my job at Wal Mart. I was also looking forward to beginning my life as an official adult, with my 21st birthday coming in January.

Our unit had been given a unique honor of being invited to spend a weekend camping near the Pennsylvania Monument in Gettysburg National Park. While there we would offer a living history camp site for the public to tour, photo opportunities and would practice marching and firing drills in the field on the other side of the road.

I believe we were one of four different groups there that weekend, scattered around the park.

Now this would be the first time that I had ever been to Gettysburg. I had watched the movie once, maybe, but I'd never been there. (I had also never actually seen a reenactment, outside of the movie Gettysburg.)

In fact the movie had been my only real exposure to the civil war while I was in grade school. In high school I had done an advanced history project on female soldiers in the civil war, but the education I gained in my first year of reenacting trumped all that. The war between the states is a topic too vast to learn in a single lesson, or a single chapter. All wars are that way. It's foolish for a grade school teacher to stand before a classroom of students, present a well worn chapter on the Civil War or the Vietnam conflict or what have you and then call it done. It isn't over...not for the men that fought, nor for their descendants, because it happened...it is still alive because there are memories of these men (and women) still alive in their descendants. If that idea could be infused into the history teachers of today there would be far less burn out I suspect.

Either way, through the eyes and stories of the reenactors around me, I was starting to grasp just what it meant to be a living historian and have a better understanding of the war I presumed to represent. On our way to Gettysburg, crammed into a five person vehicle and traveling most of the night and well into the wee hours of the morning, instead of watching the movie itself we watched Scooby Doo and other children's videos. Primarily because our driver had chosen to take his young son along with him to enjoy the experience of his first reenactment.

We headed down Cashtown Road, which wound sharply through the mountains and it seemed that every ten minutes we would pass a sign that promised, Gettysburg 15 miles. Yet we never drew any closer to Gettysburg. We passed various signs for small businesses, including some establishments that promised naked women from the waist up. We were giddy, and tired, yes, and determined which dead Generals and Colonels were the reason for the erection of the various signs. Colonel McDonald, General King, Etc.

"This sign has been erected to mark the spot where General King was shat and killed on Jew-lie the third, 1863."

It took a few minutes to realize that the past tense of 'shoot' was not 'shat'.

We pulled into the inn where several of the other boys in the unit had already secured a room and piled out of the truck. There were two beds, but plenty of floor space, and I chose to bunk down on the latter. And of course my relationship joined me. It had become common place then for us to sleep in proximity of one another. I thought I was in love and I enjoyed the feeling of a man near me, the fluttering in my stomach knowing someone thought I was a step above repulsive.

The next morning we piled into our cars and headed out to the battlefield. We toured a little first, and at my behest we went to the top of Little Round Top and found the spot where the 20th Maine stood. We crawled around Devil's Den and went a few other places that I knew nothing about because I hadn't seen them in the movie and hadn't learned much beyond it about the battle of Gettysburg. Towards late afternoon we parked near the Pennsylvania monument; a four square pillar of a building with a rotunda at the top; and started to unload. We set up our tents in a sort of Chevron pattern opening toward the tree line and pointing toward the road.

There was a brick and stone out house near the road that was to be our toilette and we had water from various sources. Inside the tent we would share a few blankets, straw and the company of at least one other soldier. Despite the chill of September it was bound to be a warm night.

Some would swear I got drunk that night. Some would swear that I was a lush and was begging to have my cup filled, and filled again. Others would swear that I wouldn't have made it to my blankets if it hadn't been for a helpful soldier guiding me to the restroom and back. Some even swore that I danced about the flag poles.

None of that was true. But it didn't stop the men from gleefully spinning stories. I had some to drink, yes, and I swear that someone continued to fill my glass every time I looked away such that I couldn't empty it and call it a night. At the time I had blue tinware, provided by my father. Neither of us knew any better and I was working very hard to black it up. At Jackson it had been squished, inadvertently, by the wheels of a truck driven by a member of our unit; and since then chips of enamel had been coming off and floating into anything I drank. From coffee to beverage.

By the time I did get up I didn't realize how much I had had, nor how much it affected me. There were some blank moments between rising, getting to the toilet and getting into bed but...I was very warm that night. The next morning I was feeling a little sick. A little sorry. I rose and stepped out of the tent and headed for the little stone building and saw the loveliest rainbow. Arching up over the stone building and into the russet and gray sky.

We marched all over creation at that event. We marched across the road three or four times a day to show off for the tour buses full of spectators. We marched down to Armistead's marker and the wall to take pictures, including a very good unit picture. We marched at night out to Devil's Den to climb around the boulders and enjoy the silence of the park. Some of my fellow soldiers felt the need to bring cameras with them and spent hours snapping pictures of 'orbs'. Some claimed that they had started down the road near camp and had seen a soldier walking towards them and swore that it was a confederate picket. One photo was taken at Devil's Den, and shows just in the corner what might be the silhouette of a man in uniform. What I've never said to the photo taker or the others present when the photo was taken is that I'm fairly certain that the 'ghost' is actually me. It's far more fun to let them think they've a real spook on film.

We even speculated that the trenches buried under ground cover and dead fall in the woods behind our camp were once dug by soldiers, preparing for the battle to reach them if the lines broke.

This past fall I went on an early morning walk through the battle field and ended up at the Pennsylvania monument just as morning broke. I climbed to the top, exited the rotunda and while I was enjoying the breeze I tried to find the spot that I had taken a photo from five years prior. I circled the rotunda twice before I realized that I wasn't going to find it because all of the trees had been cut down by the park service in the interest of returning the park to the way it appeared in 1863. The green yard where we had camped was now indistinguishable from the rest of the area.

After our demonstration days were over our unit packed up, headed for the hotels for a final night in town before we would start the pilgrimage back. Most had come out in a large van and already there were grumblings about who would be driving. Some of the older members were fast losing their welcome, and more than a few fits had been thrown in camp. I was glad to be traveling back with a smaller group.

My relationship and I, and the others that we had joined our first night in Gettysburg, were planning to group together and spend the night in the General Lee suite in the Cashtown Inn. Above the museum is a series of rooms connected together, with (I believe) only one bath. Each room is well decorated and there is a common room with couches and fire place and a large TV. I made use of the bath first thing, enjoying the Jacuzzi and pulling on a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt. When I exited most of the rest of the group were gone somewhere and it was just my relationship and I.

I sat down and he started to massage my feet which was strange, and yet I thought...it was a good sign right? He wants to touch me...I can't be as repulsive as I've always believed myself to be.

Then we were sitting together and I was leaning against him and he turned to me. And I could feel him watching me so I turned to him. And then he kissed me. And I felt my heart leap into my head, clang around my skull and then try to go back down my throat, and get stuck. I told him it wasn't right. And he said he was sorry. But he had to do that. He had to see what it was like. And I thought, how could it be any different than the most frightening thing I'd ever done?

That evening we were once more on the floor together and I was cold because we only had the one comforter and I wanted my blanket. But my blanket was in the car. And I also wanted out. I wanted away from what was fast becoming something very very wrong. For an hour, in the darkness, I thought about how wrong it was. And felt sick to my stomach, and wanted to rave and rant and hate. And I really wanted my blanket, the vestige of the innocence that had been torn from me with just a kiss.

Finally I snuck out, got the keys to the truck and grabbed my blanket, taking my time getting back into the hotel room. I lay curled in my blankets, not sleeping until morning. As soon as the sun was up I left and sat outside on the steps thinking and crying. Feeling like I'd spent the night with a hundred different men, but knowing it'd only been with one. And nothing had happened between us yet I still felt spoiled and dirty.

I sat and I recited a hateful, hurting speech over and over in my head so that by the time he finally came out to see where I was, my speech was so refined and rehearsed it barely made sense. I told him I didn't want to be his girlfriend on the side. That I wouldn't be the reason for breaking up a family and what was he thinking acting that way toward me? Where did he think it was going to go? I told him that he should think of me as his daughter, and what would it be like if his daughter were faced with the decision he was putting on me? I told him that he had made a decision before God to be faithful to his wife and he wasn't doing that whenever we went to reenactments. I told him that it was my fault. For not putting a stop to it before then. For not telling him that I wasn't going to be his 'special friend' any time his wife wasn't around.

When I had talked myself out he said some things to me that I didn't want to hear. Already I had heard rumors floating around the unit about what was going on between us and I had gotten the idea finally that some of the arguments in camp had to do with my relationship and I. He promised me that it wasn't the way I thought it was. That I wasn't the girlfriend on the sly. After so much listening I decided I had enough and I told him I was going for a walk.

More than once, in the past, I got into heap loads of trouble for taking off on walks without telling someone. Going deep into the woods where I knew I could get back if I had to, but nobody else did and they thought for sure I'd be lost for all time. This time I didn't care. I was nearly 21, and obviously capable of making already gargantuan adult mistakes.

I kept my blanket around my shoulders and stomped down the stairs and across the parking lot, down a slight decline across the railroad tracks then up into the woods. I followed deer trail after deer trail praying and crying and begging for forgiveness and trying to figure out how deeply I'd dug the hole I was in.

I wouldn't say that I found peace. I still liked him. For all the hatred I had for the situation I still liked...loved the man. And that in itself was wrong. And I knew until that love was gone, I would be in the wrong.

I did cry all the tears I had left and at just the right moment I saw someone coming across the parking lot and onto the tracks with two cups of coffee in his hands.

He told me that he wasn't going to treat me like his daughter. I wasn't a daughter to him. He said, he felt more like a brother. He said that I was right. That what he had done the night before was wrong. He said he would tell his wife about what we had done that past year; which wasn't more than courting really; but it was bad enough. He told me he wasn't worried about what the rumor mill had to say about us, and that I shouldn't care a lick either. He told me that he cared for me, a lot.

The drive home was strange, and good, and I felt so unstable and awkward. I was glad when I was home. Glad to get on to simply working, and not thinking, and knowing that I wouldn't have to communicate with him again until the company meeting in the spring.

I hoped I wouldn't miss him but I did.

I hoped he wouldn't call, but he did.

I hoped I wouldn't feel the need to tell anyone about him, lying left and right, but I did.

Most of the rest of those first years is a blur of events. Meetings with my relationship that had nothing to do with reenactments and everything to do with my loneliness. Phone calls while he was on business trips with semi-serious offers to have me fly to where he was and spend the weekends with him.

At first I said no kissing. Then I told him more about why I was so afraid. Then he said that he was meant to be the interim. That he would be there to help me not be afraid of intimacy until my future someone came along. Then I made him promise to let the next step be my decision.

And it made me sick, and I hated missing him. But I still loved him. And I waited and waited to not love him anymore. And I lied to my family and friends and total strangers until I had created several different lives, separate from my own that would allow for my memories of him. Some of those memories weren't memories at all but more lies.

I left my first unit after about four years. After I saw that it was starting to fall apart, and after a brief weekend as acting First Sergeant ended badly. The younger men in the unit supported the man, my age, that had been elected second Sergeant. I never asked to be promoted. I had been in anticipation of future command changes, and I wanted nothing of it. Another unit was waiting to welcome me. They were based out of a city hours closer to my own, their events were closer and there were no relationships built on rickety scaffolding of falsehoods waiting for me either.

I left my first unit, feeling guilty; watching from a far as more than just the unit started to fall apart. But my relationship continued to cling to me. I would see him at some of our joint events and I would be repulsed at first at his behavior. And realize how much I had put up with to be with him. Then he would start to sink into me and I would be back to my old ways. And hating myself for it.

When I made my pilgrimage this past fall I lit a small votive candle at the Pennsylvania monument and watched it burn for a moment or so.

I thought to myself, "This is the end of that old relationship, the one that began here. The one that has been wiped from the field by the park service, and been wiped from my life by my own choices."

I lit another candle at The Angle. The beginning, I thought. I hoped.

Recently I met my relationship unexpectedly. I had come to this very large event with my current unit and he had fallen in with the Yankees. I was leaving for camp and he recognized me and shouted my name.

When I first recognized who he was I was surprised, and pleased, then immediately filled with dread. Because I knew he didn't get it yet. He didn't yet understand that I needed him to leave me be. Up to that point I had been too much of a coward to tell him that outright. To tell him that even friendship wouldn't work between us because he was still in love with me. Because he still thought we were soul mates.  Because any laugh or smile or tiny fraction of approval from me was an encouragement to him. I couldn't be merely friends with him because he wanted more.

We talked and I stalled, wanting to return to camp, wanting to be done with the day. I was tired and just recovering from moderate dehydration. There were a myriad of discomforts at camp as well but I'd rather have them than my old relationship. He decided he wanted to visit old friends in Confederate camp and we managed to hitch a ride together. And I felt myself slipping into being nice because I was in the presence of others that didn't know any better.

We got back to camp and while he made nice with mutual friends I slipped to my tent, grabbed my spare shirt and prepared to duck under the canvas to change. He wouldn't let me go. I said I had to check for ticks and such and finally managed to evade him and do just that; with out his help. When I got back he had caught on to my sour mood and...I'm not quite sure what he thought he had in mind.

He tried to sandwich me with his arms, then tried to convince another of my comrades to join him. That fellow wisely stayed away. I was telling my relationship to stop. No, I said. Stop it, I said. Leave me alone, I said. And finally, when he just wouldn't catch on I punched him.

I was close to him, and I thought, this is the only way to get the idea across. So I punched him. And he looked at me shocked. And I walked away.

He followed me and tried to ask why I had done it.

"You wouldn't stop. I asked you stop," I said.

He dogged my steps and said, "You didn't have to punch me."

"Yes, I did." I said. "You deserved it."

He tried to pout. He tried to get me to tell him it was all a joke. To laugh and shrug it off and make nice. But I didn't. I wouldn't. And I left him standing there pouting.

I felt guilty about it. I felt remorse at losing what might have been a friendship after all. I felt that I made him lose face before his former friends, and felt that I had lost face too perhaps...but I had finally drawn a line. I had protected myself in a way that I hadn't been able to in the past and for once it felt good.

And I kept thinking back to Gettysburg, and lighting that candle, and about how it was finally over. I had finally killed off whatever kept me in chains...chains disguised as love. I had decided what was best for me and acted on it, and done so with a pure, and hopefully chaste heart.

Perhaps, to you reader, it sounds like a lot of sappy, holistic, self-righteous nonsense. You may think so if you choose. But as I sit and write I have no regrets.