Abuse

I’ve been thinking about abuse lately. About what is abuse and what isn’t.

There’s a two-year-old who is being starved most mornings. She has adults forcing things down her throat, things that aren’t food. She’s being stabbed in the chest, regularly exposed to damaging levels of radiation, her lungs are intentionally flooded with fluid. She’s got a piece of plastic permanently embedded in her back. She’s so full of drugs and chemicals that she’s sick half the time.  She’s not allowed to play, not allowed to see anyone, not allowed to go to church.

And this is a cure!

She has leukemia, and has had bad reactions to a new kind of treatment, and all of this, and more, has been in the name of keeping her alive! It’s not abuse. It’s sanctioned! By doctors and nurses and teams of people, and heartbroken parents.

Then there are two other girls. One is twelve, the other one is fourteen. They’ve been psychologically abused for ten years by a woman that the courts still allow custody to. This woman has sexually abused the older girl, physically abused the younger. She’s kicked them in the head, convinced them that everything evil will get them when not by her side, done everything her power to get them to hate their birth father and his new wife, just so that she can have power over him. For TEN YEARS.

 She’s caused self-harm behaviors in the youngest, and self-destructive stupidity in the oldest.

Guess who these girls are accusing of abuse?

The step-mom. Because she won’t let them run roughshod over the rules when they’re in their father’s house.  Because she won’t replace IPads that the girls were too careless to keep in working condition. Because she wants perfectly healthy preteen girls to help with chores, spend some time playing outside, not act like brats and swear at the dinner table.  Because she’s preparing them for adulthood, they’ve decided she deserves the shaft. So they went along with their birth mom and accused the step-mom of trying to strangle them.

Never mind that there aren’t any bruises, marks or any indication at all of this abuse. And because social services always has to investigate every claim, the step-mom is being questioned after coming home from work, at a job where she is over worked, and overqualified with a master’s degree in psychology.

So I gotta wonder. How can a two-year-old, with leukemia, put up bravely, day in and day out with the torture of her treatment with more fortitude than an abused fourteen year old being asked to take out the trash?

And why are the teenagers putting up, day in and day out, with the woman whose only motivation is using her daughters to get at their father, but decide to attack the one woman who has their best interests in mind?

I’ve never been more ashamed of teenagers, and more proud of a toddler before in my life.

A Rant

I am regularly the recipient of comments like, "You should smile more.", "Smile, Dawn, come on smile?" and "Why you gotta be like that?"

I have people pay me compliments, and when I do not immediately perk up in response to them, they backtrack, back flip and go out of their way to try and rescue the comment and make it "work". 

I encounter people everyday who have nervous ticks like laughing at things that aren't even remotely funny, repeating the same pet name over and over again in a conversation (honey, dear, hon, love, etc.), or being excessively nice with the mantra of "kill them with kindness." 

For those of you whom I have upset, confused, insulted or ignored, here's why. 

1) Think about what you say before you say it. Get into the habit of counting to five or ten before making a knee jerk comment. Before you laugh at something anecdotal or mundane, think about it...is it actually funny? Is it even necessary to the conversation? Are you in fact redirecting attention to yourself that should remain on the person speaking? How about, has this person probably already heard this joke a bazillion times today and just doesn't have the wits to laugh at it one more time? Do you know how to make an awkward situation less awkward? Say nothing...

2) Any human being who has ever taken a selfie or looked in the mirror on a good day, or revisited an old photo of themselves is aware of how good they look when they are smiling. It isn't information that only you bear that God has ordained you to disperse about the land. Yes, you are right, I do look better when I'm smiling. Has it occurred to you that perhaps my looks are not my number one concern at all times? Just because you are attracted to my smile does not mean that it was my intention or purpose. I don't need to be reminded to smile as if it were something I forgot to put on this morning. If I'm not smiling, it's for a reason. So...instead of correcting the surface problem, how about showing some concern for the underlying problem. If you really want to know why I'm not smiling, you can ask, "Is everything okay with you?" I may answer with a straight forward honest response, or I may politely inform you that it is none of your business. But I will always thank you for taking the time to ask. I won't thank you for telling me to smile. No one will. No person lives in a bubble. All of our lives have depth. Stop treating me like a one dimensional mask that needs reshaping. Treat me like a person, or else leave me alone.

3) I had someone compliment my outfit today. I put no extra thought into it. Usually I plan my outfits in my head spending just enough time to reassure myself that I will be decently and not horribly dressed. Sometimes the plans flesh out great. Other times not so much, but the end purpose for me is: Am I decently dressed? Can I get to work without being ordered to change my clothing? I manage to achieve this, about 100% of the time. So at work this lady complimented my clothes. My response was a polite, "Thank you." I'm not sure what response she was hoping for, but clearly, that wasn't it. She proceeded to cajole, apologize, repeat and justify her statement until she had to move to the side so that another person could be served. If your compliment does not receive the aplomb that you were hoping for, especially if it was given to someone with which you have only a professional or casual relationship, just leave it be. Don't try to save it. Just let it go. It was a nice thought. Try another time. For all you know you've just complimented someone on the outfit they plan to wear to a funeral. Unless they are looking for a compliment, you probably aren't going to get the full satisfaction you are hoping for. That's ok. Just leave it be. All that trying to save it will do is expose your insecurities, and that doesn't need to happen at someone else's place of work. Unless you are visiting your psychoanalyst...

4) Not everybody is happy. I was never diagnosed but I dealt with severe mood swings, emotional upheavals, self-doubt, self-mutilation...essentially teen angst and depression times what felt like a-ja-zillion from middle school to my college years. There were triggers. There were bad solutions, and good ones. I have been dealing with it and growing stronger since. No medication involved A) because I am poor, B) I've never been diagnosed and C) if I can't learn to cope without meds, having meds won't fix me. Meds will become yet another crutch.

The roller coaster has begun to level off as I mature. I see more normal, strong, productive, victorious days than I used to. I have....VERY...FEW....ecstatically happy days. I'm talking, whole 24 hour days that happen without a major dive of some kind. Most of these dives are self-made or just life, but I don't have SUPER happy days. And frankly, I don't want them. I can't rely on super happy days. I can rely on the normal, flat, lil' bit bumpy days with tiny little peaks. 

When I know that I have a terrible day ahead of me, fraught with all the things that freak me out, or dump me at the bottom, I start out at a low frequency and I do everything in my power to stay there. I won't fake happy. I can't fake happy. It isn't worth it to fake happy. I don't need other people to bring me up. I don't ask for it. I don't expect it. Most of the time I just want to be left alone, so that I can keep on, keeping on, until the bad stuff is over. Because as soon as people get added into the mix, the roller coaster starts up again. And I peak and dive and people start making comments about the "crazy bitch". Actual quote. 

I don't need a sign warning the world about me. I don't expect the world to understand me at a glance. I'm like hundreds of thousands of other people also dealing with this stuff. What I do need is for the people living in their bubbles to venture out a little into reality. 

Let's recap. 

1) Think about what you say before you say it. Five to ten second count. For some of you, start with just listening to a conversation for ten minutes without adding your two cents. See what you learn.

2) DO NOT tell people to smile unless you are a professional photographer or a dentist. If they aren't smiling, there is a reason. If you really care, ask. If not, it's none of your business. LEAVE them alone. (For the truly adventurous, try asking, "What could I do right now that would bring a smile to your lips?")

3)Some people care about their appearance, some people don't. If your compliment fails, that's fine. Leave it where it is. Someone will pick it up. Compliments are never wasted, and never need to be saved.

4)Not everyone is "happy" and not everyone can be "happy". Concentrate instead on "joy". If you believe in prayer, pray for joy and satisfaction for those you love. Not happiness.

You can choose to ignore all this. You can choose to take it to heart. But keep in mind, whether you believe it or not. I do! This is how I live. Does that matter to you?